You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
