Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
