for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
