just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
