Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
did you just send me my own nude
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
