I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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