remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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