Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
