Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
