She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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