Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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