ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You've changed since you got that strap on
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
