Your tits are I can't wait for
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
