Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
