i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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