I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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