if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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