The best revenge is premature balding
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
