my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
this must be what syphilis tastes like
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
