End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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