yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
