I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it's like iHOP with fire
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
