Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
