Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
