Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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