I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
