don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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