John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
