no, he came in my armpit
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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