i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
