What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
