New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
