At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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