Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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