my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
