I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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