Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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