Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
