jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Hippo gnu deer
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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