Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
