so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
