I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My balls are so social today.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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