im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
