dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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