Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
