Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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