I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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