his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
