I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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