Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
